The most interesting part of the seminar was when two 17-year olds took a half hour talking about their childhoods and answering questions from us, the parents. To say they were mature and articulate beyond their years would be an understatement. And they went to great lengths to dispel a lot of the group's fears and paranoias about what effects frequent and sometimes jarring moves would have on a child.
They had both spent time in the Middle East and they had both been evacuated from their home at one time. I found it particularly interesting how nonchalant they were about something that most of us would seem to think would be fraught with so much fear and anxiety. Their world view was already more global, more empathetic, more nuanced.
One of the group's biggest fears was that our children would miss out on a 'traditional' American upbringing with activities like trick-or-treating, prom, high school football ('American' football, the kind with pads) and Easter egg hunts. I think what the group began to realize toward the end of the evening is that they might also miss bullying, school cliques and growing up with less of a sense of tolerance. Much was made of the fact that the typical family in our line of work is far from typical, and that when our children grow up, they will actively seek this diversity. If anything, homogeneity will be what disquiets them.
That, and lack of motion.
I believe one of our greatest challenges (as it is, unsurprisingly, today) is to teach them that it is okay to stop moving, that it is okay to marinate in a place.
When asked if their parents ever sheltered them from the world, not surprisingly they both responded they were the most insulated when they returned to the U.S.
I also believe that it is easy to forget that just because something was seminal or intrinsic to our development doesn't necessarily have to be seminal and intrinsic to our children's development.We want for our kids what we had and more. Much more. But it is easy to forget that you can't miss something that you never knew existed. One of the members of the audience asked the teenagers if they ever missed having a 'traditional' Halloween. They both answered, "No." Because what was or is 'traditional'? When they were overseas one of them trick-or-treated at all the houses in the embassy community and the other described how they set up a haunted house in the embassy and trick-or-treated there. Some may argue this might even be safer than taking candy from strangers or walking around in the dark in Arlington. The point being: Yes, there is trick-or-treating in Syria.
Seldom did people ask me if I minded that my parents were divorced. I honestly don't remember a time when my parents lived together, so did I mind? No, because I didn't know anything else. To me and my brothers this was normal. I don't mean to be flippant or disrespectful or hurtful. That's just reality. And I know very well that the main reason I emerged from this potentially damaging event so unscarred is because my parents did an amazing job of making sure my brothers and I always felt unconditional love. Though I might have said or thought it in a moment of passing anger, never did I--then or know--truly believe that I or either of my brothers was ever at fault.
I know the main--if not only--thing Elise and I struggled with when deciding on whether or not to take this job was how it would effect Sam and Pete. Were we certain that this was the childhood we wanted to choose for them? Did we even have the right to choose? The last question is an easy one. Of course we have the right. We're their parents and it is our job to make these kind of decisions for them...at least for now.
I walked home from the seminar feeling good about our decision. Do I think it will always be easy? Certainly not. I am not looking forward to it, but I know the day may come in twelve years or so when Sam will hate my guts for moving him halfway across the world from all his friends, but behind and beyond that resentment I imagine there will also an appreciation for all the world has to offer.
I'm secretly hoping we have teleporters in twelve years; It will make our job a heck of a lot easier.
2 comments:
I think the best part of last night was those kids. Such solid concrete evidence, that we are making such a wonderful decision in our children's upbringing. It's such an awesome opportunity to give more than I could have hoped for to them.
Thank you for this wonderful post. Though we didn't attend that class we always thought that by taking our daughter (and the baby on the way) on this FS journey with us, we are giving them a lifetime of opportunities they would never have living in the US. Will they miss some things along the way? Perhaps. But there's so much they will gain that I have no doubt we made the right decision.
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