Thursday, January 5, 2012

Baby Girl: 31 weeks

I haven't been the best about documenting the day to day growth and happenings of this pregnancy. I find myself feeling guilty about it, but I remind myself I know more now, I am older and this is our third baby. I know what is on the other side of pregnancy and that those moments are the journal entries that matter. I know now that the important things are not in the day-to-day notes in the margins documenting what I craved or how I felt. Instead it comes in the body, the days we weave together as a family.

This pregnancy has been different for me, for us. Instead of eagerly awaiting my prize at the end of the journey, I've just become thankful for each day and all the moments with my family just as it is now. Three months of nausea, six weeks of bed rest, a baby girl. Strangely different cravings, a sense of calm and peace about the change that is about to come. We've also learned to appreciate through sharing in the loss of our good friends baby at 28 weeks, the delicate process of creating a life and the reality that the finish line is never the same for every race. We are thankful for each kick and after that, each day.

I am surprised to find that just knowing the sex of this baby girl makes me even more in tune to her and I can actually feel my heart strings reaching down and grabbing on to her more tightly each day. Perhaps my pension for needing "to know" and of "hating surprises," are dictated by my visual connection to the world, photography, a photographic memory, I've never been more sure it starts in the daydreaming.

We've always thought it crazy to find out the sex of ones babe at 20 weeks, but for logistic purposes, here in Brazil, we threw our beliefs aside. Never say never. We also thought people were loony that named their babies before they were born, but her name has been the only one we've ever discussed. We don't speak her name out loud, not until we see her tiny face ourselves and introduce her to the world.

Sam and Peter already have more love for their little sister than I thought possible. Though Peter is not but a month or two older than Sam when he arrived, Peter leads either in his brothers example, feeling her kick...seeing her kick or watching my belly grow. Pete puts his mouth right up to my stomach and shouts, "You in der?" "You 'ear me?"

Sam talks to her and reminds her, "It's Sam! Your big brother!" It has been such a wake up call to witness the differences in Sam and his awareness and insight into the changes that my belly, our baby and our lives are undergoing this time in comparison to when I was pregnant with Peter. He wants to be part of it and wants to daydream with us. I watch him observe my friend Morgan's new baby and later overhear him tell Peter, car-seat to car-seat that, "Pete, do you know our baby will only have a little bit of hair when she comes out?" "Pete, do you know baby will only drink milk?" I want to wrap them both up in big bows and give them to her when she arrives, marked, "The greatest gifts you'll ever receive."

Even Paul has a more calm and confident air about him knowing she is with us. As we build our little nest for her he seems already just slightly smitten with the idea of another girl to love.

We all know are lives are about to change again, in the best of ways, which has become a welcome feeling.

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