Monday, June 4, 2012

Holding On

I've been reading a lot of parenting books recently, but what is in those books is not what I'm looking for. I'm looking for a way to hold on. To these days. Forever.

I never understood the Dugger family, why would a woman want to twelve children, why would she do that to her body, why would she do that to her family? I am not saying I want ten more, I'm not even saying I want one more, I just seek desperately to find the answers to letting go of these days and it seems that perhaps with the answer one might be able to lay to rest their childbearing years with ease. Although I'm sure like any other right of passage, including birth, in order to cross over to the other-side you have to sacrifice parts of your body and spirit to pass through, but come out on that other side stronger and with more clarity.

Don't get me wrong, these days are hard, so hard, but I love the challenge. I love every second of it. Even when I'm spinning wildly in a centrifuge of parenting, seemingly stuck to the wall and completely paralyzed. I survive solely on whiffs of baby soft skin and big round eyes looking up at me late in the night. I want the company of perfect sleeping babies while I work.

I want to have special nail clipping night dates with the boys, tousle soft mops of boy hair and do choo-choo train preschool homework until I'm 90. I want to cheer for successful potty training missions and watch Sam build Lego creations into my hundreds. I know I don't. I hear you saying it.  I know that the joys and milestones and sanity and insanity that the years will bring will be awesome, but I can't let go. I don't have to just yet, but when I think of times when the chaos of these days has subsided, my heart breaks with echoes and my heart aches for babies and I want to know that it's just as good then so I can enjoy it right now. That, I just can't seem to find in any parenting book.


J-Wyce said...

The hardest part for me is when your "kids" (you guys)get married and have your own kids and then we HAVE to really let go. Believe me the best is yet to come. What a fantastic job you are doing favorite niece. Love ya.

Ro and Pax's Mama said...

I always read but never comment but I have to on this one... You put into words what I can't seem to. I don't want this time to end even though I am tired and it is hard- yet so incredibly fun! This is what I have always wanted- little children and they are growing so fast. Thank you :). Your three kids are so darling!