They say opposites attract, and Elise and I are different in
a lot of ways. But one way in which we are alike is we are both goal-driven,
motivated to succeed at our respective pursuits. We’re ambitious. We’re
competitive. When we decide to take something on, we are at the same time
deciding to give it our all, to be or do the best we can. Sometimes, this drive
for success—and in Elise’s case, perfection in all she takes on—makes it
difficult to relate to those who are resigned or not ambitious. We have to
constantly remind ourselves that different things motivate different people, that
by design people have varying calculi that motivates them, and that’s okay.
Elise’s drive for perfection in everything she does is
obvious in her photography. What is finally developed or put out for public
consumption is the reflection of hours of perseverating over every detail. She
puts thought into everything she does. No detail is overlooked. Myself, on the
other hand, while not being particularly detail-oriented, am no less
competitive. I just have to harken back to my triathlon heyday and the
gut-wrenching moment I realized I had become a recreational runner and no longer a competitive runner (sometime shortly after we came back from India,
I finally acknowledged the fact, though the actual transition had taken place
many years before. This reluctance to accept one’s fading invincibility on any
playing field is probably why many professional athletes continue to compete
long after they are actually competitive. Fortunately, I was never on that
grand a stage). If I am not completely exhausted, unable to stand or even keep
my eyes open by the end of the day, legs and body aching, then I feel as though
I could have done more.
We are also susceptible to getting caught up in a cycle of
happiness and unhappiness that is extrinsically linked to our perceived
performance or other life factors that may be out of our immediate control. I
was disappointed when I was passed over for a promotion last fall. Elise has
garnered over 100,000 followers on Instagram, but every time she loses a
fraction of those, she winces in palpable pain.
A few weeks ago, Elise sent me an email to let me know she
had received an inquiry to shoot a wedding in Chennai. Though a longshot, she
was excited.
A few minutes later, I received a second email, “Was just
thinking I hadn't lost any followers in a while until I lost another 1,000
today. Woo hoo. #failing”
I had recently read an article in The Atlantic online, “Why So Many Smart People Aren’t Happy” by Joe
Pinsker (here):
"If you take the need for mastery—the need for
competence—there are two broad approaches that one can take to becoming very
good at something. One approach is to engage in what people call social
comparisons. That is, wanting to be the best at doing something: ‘I want to be
the best professor there is,’ or something like that.
“There are many problems with that, but one big problem with
that is that it's very difficult to assess. What are the yardsticks for judging
somebody on a particular dimension? What are the yardsticks for being the best
professor? Is it about research, teaching? Even if you take only teaching, is
it the ratings you get from students, or is it the content that you deliver in
class, or the number of students who pass an exam or take a test and do really
well in it? So it gets very difficult to judge, because these yardsticks become
increasingly ambiguous as a field becomes narrower or more technical.
“So what happens in general is that people tend to gravitate
toward less ambiguous—even if they're not so relevant—yardsticks. People judge
the best professors by the number of awards they get, or the salary that they
get, or the kind of school that they are in, (or the best photographers by how
many followers they have on Instagram?) which might on the face of it seem like
it's a good yardstick for judging how good somebody is, but at the same time
it's not really relevant to the particular field.
“And those yardsticks are ones that we adapt to really
quickly. So if you get a huge raise this month, you might be happy for a month,
two months, maybe six months. But after that, you're going to get used to it
and you're going to want another big bump. And you'll want to keep getting
those in order to sustain your happiness levels. In most people you can see
that that's not a very sustainable source of happiness.
“What I recommend is an alternative approach, which is to
become a little more aware of what it is that you're really good at, and what
you enjoy doing. When you don't need to compare yourself to other people, you
gravitate towards things that you instinctively enjoy doing, and you're good
at, and if you just focus on that for a long enough time, then chances are
very, very high that you're going to progress towards mastery anyway, and the
fame and the power and the money and everything will come as a byproduct,
rather than something that you chase directly in trying to be superior to other
people.”
I thought this sentiment timely as Elise grapples with
redefining herself as an artist and photographer after our move from India.
What are the yardsticks for being the best photographer? My work colleagues
talk about their promotions, assignments, and performance reviews, comparing
their accomplishments against their peers’. What are the yardsticks for being
the best diplomat?
Ever since Elise and I first met, we knew our destiny lay
west of the Rockies. She hailed from the misty mosses of the Pacific Northwest,
and I spent many of my formative years in Colorado. In that vein, shortly after
Sam was born, I applied and interviewed for several jobs in Denver. I wasn’t
offered anything. I did a telephone interview from my hotel room in Denver on
the same trip for a job in real estate with the Department of the Interior in
Portland, but the position didn’t include a relocation package, and Elise and I
couldn’t afford the move. By that time, I had been out of work too long and
exhausted our savings, going as far as cashing in my 401k and life insurance
policies to keep our fledgling family afloat.
At the time, we couldn’t have known that are destiny lay in
Brazil and India. The Rocky Mountains would have to wait. We got out of
Florida. A small victory. Mission accomplished. At the time, I thought a lot
about what our life would be like when we moved west of the Rockies, to Denver,
Seattle, Portland, or Boise.
Now, we rent a small house in a quiet suburb outside of
Washington, D.C. The kids go to public school. I walk them to the bus some
mornings and pick them up in the afternoon some others. Clementine attends a
local church pre-school. She has “Godly play” and sings prayers at the dinner
table. The kids play in the backyard, digging up rolly-pollies in the dirt and
climbing trees. I mow the lawn and grill. I get up early and run. I bought a
bike. Sometimes, we grab burgers at our favorite local burger place or tacos at
our favorite local taco place. The kids play in the town soccer league. They
wear reversible jerseys and are making new friends. There are seasons here. The
winters are cold and it snows. Spring is long. And wet. The summers are hot.
The falls, crisp and beautiful. The Nats are good, and we wear our caps with
pride. Though we haven’t gone yet, the countryside is not far and there are
vineyards, camping, trails, rock-climbing, and ski slopes that wait for us. In
fact, living here is a lot like what I imagined living west of the Rockies
would be like. I like my job. I take the train to work. Sometimes, I work late,
but I always return to a full home. We could never afford to live here
permanently. Rents are astronomical, and Elise and I like beer and wine too
much; there are too many good ones to choose from. But I’m happy. We’re finding
the routine that was lacking in the winter, but we are getting used to the
creaking floorboards in our small rental house. We don’t have much in the way
of adventure, but that’s okay for now, but may lose its appeal soon. When we
first arrived, I couldn’t wait to set back out again. I am finding quiet
respite in the waiting. I found happiness without chasing it. But the year will
pass quickly and it will be time to leave before we know it and begin the pursuit anew.
1 comment:
Hi there, I've been following your blog for a bit. I loved your thoughts on the constant search for perfection, I have been trying to join the fs for a couple years now, and actually made it to stage II in March, but I didn't make it to stage III. I disappointed noone but myself, but it made me mopey for weeks. Nothing to do in the end but keep trying! (I also popped over to insta to give Elise a follow)
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