Truth be told, we’ve been riding the roller coaster that is
Pete’s emotional state since we returned. He is taking his physical extrication
from Brazilian culture harder than the rest of us. This is not surprising,
given his age, and the fact that he most likely remembers nothing about living
in the United States and only knows how to live in Brazil. He says frequently
that he wants to go back, but that is what Sam said when he was Pete’s age. Not
to discount Pete’s longing; we all long for some of Brazil, despite the bounty
laid before us every day.
I think all the hype is just too much for Pete. It’s too
much for anyone, but Pete isn’t old enough to have the equipment yet to deal
with such monumental changes. Then put Christmas and Santa Claus on top of it
all, and forget about it.
There is a scale that measures the amount of stress
associated with huge, life-changing events, and just because we do move every two years
or so, we can’t discount the fact that moving is very high on this scale.
Moving to a completely different country, even if that country is one most of
us find more familiar, should be even higher. The United States is less, not
more, familiar to Pete than Brazil. Clementine has never even been to her “home”
country.
Sam has asked me several times if everyone will speak
English in America. Even today, as we walked into the mall, he asked if everyone
in all the shops speak English. When Pete was suffering particularly acutely a
few days ago, we made him beans and rice, and I spoke to him in Portuguese. It
sounds silly, but they are small, familiar things, that hopefully will help him
transition to his new home. Pao de queijo will help, too.
Upon landing in the Atlanta airport, Sam, Pete and I
immediately made a Starbucks run. The Starbucks was on the complete opposite
side of Terminal B, but we made it there and back in thirty minutes, though I
had to carry Pete the entire way due to his extreme fatigue. I am almost
certain the man in line in front of us was Brazilian and spoke Portuguese, but
I was too shy to find out. We made it back to Elise and Clementine just in time
to board, only slightly scalding Pete once with hot coffee.
We have not had much time to miss Brazil. We’ve had to buy
new cell phones and sign up for a calling plan that we hope we can get out of
in eleven months without offering up my firstborn. We had to buy a car and a
Christmas tree and new bikes for the boys (shhhh! don’t tell!) and see
relatives and friends.
Unfortunately, the two times Uncle Bill and Aunt Jackie and
my brother came to visit, I was nearly asleep though it was only seven. The
person who invented time zones did not have kids, unlike the person that
invented the overnight transcontinental flight, and everyone was up at 3:30
a.m. our first two nights back, 4:40 on the third and 5:15 on the fourth. By
the fifth morning, we were blessed with a Christmas miracle when everyone slept
in until 6:30. Unfortunately and ironically, it is those mornings I find it
most difficult to get out of bed. Even 3:30 was easier than 6:30, and I spent
most of the day in a haze induced, again ironically, by too much sleep. I’m just not looking forward to doing it all over
again when we go to Spokane, but there we can hole ourselves up downstairs
until we hear the jet engine-like whir of Grandad’s coffee maker firing up at
5:00 a.m. Here, we had to hide in the bathroom until a reasonable hour, though
I don’t honestly think anyone got any additional sleep over all the cooing,
crying, giggling and screaming that came from a tiny bathroom filled with three
children, one adult, a juice box, two bowls of Life cereal and a basket of
toys.
I think it is too early to give general impressions of being
back in the United States. There are certain aspects of being back that I genuinely
enjoy: Starbucks, good microbrews, guacamole, and the convenience of parks and
recreation. Either Clementine is getting a little bit older or the conveniences
of the United States make parenting three children easier. Honestly, I just
think I am more patient. There is an incredibly liberating power of being
Blackberry-less and I can, for the first time in a long time, dedicate one
hundred percent of my attention and energies on my wife and family. I was not
looking forward to the end of my time in Brasilia, but the end was inevitable,
and when I handed over my Blackberry, I was given Clementine, it seems. I would
make that trade any day.
I always compare the attention I was able to give to Sam to
the attention I am now able to give to three. Sometimes, I let myself become
frustrated, because all I want to do was make a Lego with Sam or make a train
track with Pete, but couldn’t because of the needs of a third, the baby,
Clementine. I would have to hold her or feed her and didn’t like not being able
to give each of my children the dedicated focus I was able to afford Sam when
it was just he and I. But as the boys get older and are able to play together
in a more sustainable (and sometimes quiet) manner, I get Clementine, and have
the feeling that I am having, for the first time, moments for her that I have
not yet had the time to have, time like I had with Sam.
Maybe it is sad that I had to come back to the United States
and leave my job, to discover her. In my defense, Elise’s success at nursing
her has, selfishly, been to my detriment. I haven’t been able to put her down
for naps or bed the way I did with Sam and Pete. In a perfect world, Elise
would have had time to pump a bottle of milk and I could have performed this
nightly ritual as I did with Sam and Pete, but, alas, in truth, every day was
survival and chaos, if not carefully-orchestrated chaos, and I usually did the
boys bath and bed routine, because it did not require me to spontaneously learn
how to lactate. I will have to do a better job in the future of balancing the demands of my job with the demands of my family. I hope this, too, is a skill I can learn.
I compare this vacation to the time we visited Elise’s
parents in Washington, four or five years ago, when my career in commercial real estate was
going down the tubes and I was having to cash in my 401k and life insurance to merely
pay bills, much less pay for a vacation. I could not enjoy myself and though it
was a perfectly pleasant time with many fun activities planned, good beer and
good food, I could not relax, because I didn’t feel as though I deserved to. I
didn’t feel as though I had earned a
vacation. I feel the complete opposite this time and can’t wait to get back to
Washington to drink it all in (literally and figuratively).
I deserve this vacation. I earned it. We all did. I feel as though our first tour exceeded all of my
personal and professional expectations. We didn’t just survive Brazil. We thrived
in Brazil. Clementine is physical proof of that. Mine and Elise’s bond is
stronger because of Brazil, because of what we accomplished there together. I
love Elise deeper because of Brazil, because of what she did there. I am more
proud of both Peter and Sam because of Brazil.
I said earlier it was too early to give general impressions
of being back in the United States, because I am still comparing everything to
Brazil. Brazil is like a phantom limb I can still vaguely feel. I don’t want to
lose that feeling. Nothing is as green as Brazil. Not even Florida. And
everything is too neat, too orderly, too clean. But I won’t say more than that for now. In all fairness
to the United States, I should, at the very least, give it a chance.
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